Every Cent In April

 April is my first full month in the new place. Until moving out, I'd never in my real "adult" life had to worry about-- even really think about-- finances. I'm not counting grad school or college, because while technically an adult, those are weird, hazy times of a strange sort of delayed adolescence, in which both I and my friends behaved as hybrids between youth and adults, drinking and eating irresponsibly and staying up too late and studying and thinking vague thoughts about idealistic futures in big cities with expensive suits.

I have suits. They're midrange. I bought them all years ago. I think my ex has claimed most of them now, to be honest. I mostly wear jeans or business casual these days because as I advanced in my career, I found myself behind a desk instead of meeting with clients or in court.

But. Back to finances.

Every Cent in April. Because I want, need, to establish a budget. And there are plenty of apps and books and lists out there on how to do it-- but I truly have no idea how, because I truly have no idea what I'm actually spending. Or what I need to spend. So I'm tracking, this month. And as I track, already only three days in, I'm thinking about all the different charges that will be one offs, or exceptional, and realizing-- those somehow need to go in the budget too, because god, there are going to be one offs every month, aren't there? Which means I need to put in a category for the unexpected. But do I simply have a general "unexpected" category? Or do I have separate categories that end up being yearly so they roll over if unused one month-- like birthday presents for friends? But then, if all my money is simply in one checking account (or, once I have enough, a checking account AND a saving account), then... it isn't like its really pooled separately, its all just fungible numbers, after all. Fungible numbers that get smaller every day. Because damn, those bills at the beginning of the month hit like a truck. Not including rent and tuition, I've spent over $1000 this month already.

Summer will be better. Daycare costs less than school, and they feed the kiddo lunch, which is one less meal. But actually thinking about this stuff for the first time in my adult life is exhausting, and I keep thinking and rethinking, as if I can somehow rethink it into submission, or as if adding thing a third or fourth time will magically come up with a new set of finances.